This is what my year sounded like

Thanks for being in my thoughts

































just ask me

I don't take it for granted, sometimes.

I left my phone at my sister's house. I don't have a landline. Bro-in-lo Facebook pm'd me whilst I iMessage'd them. Computers are very cool. Technology is such a seamless part of life.

Grateful to live in the land of plenty.

Payroll forgot to pay me for 150 hours over the last two payslips. I still got by with a buffer, despite considerable angst. I remember days in the past when I couldn't pay my power bill every single time and had to scramble to get a shift or a daily. Grateful for gainful employment and a steady (when they don't delete my contract by accident) income. This week was epic, massive hours, but I got to have a lot of fun, and they call it "work". A turning point in my year here. A new home, new space, new life. It's happening.

I can dance, even if it's not on telly

Onya Oz for voting in our best dancer as our favourite:


Also, this:

Dancing around the kitchen in my uggs is good enough for me! Poppin'!

I just want to say, I feel great

Clarification

Jogging his memory

Closure


A new dream
of you.

It's almost

Imperial mandarin season

Things that I saw on my walk today

A spoonbill using its bill like a spoon to get tasty treats out of the river's edge

A beautiful huge white stork like bird flying gracefully overhead

My dog turning back and sticking by my side even when she was off leash as if to tell me how much she loves her Mummy

A swift (or a swallow) whirling and wheeling around in the breeze, reminding me to play

Concerned ducks

Two Western Corellas, just chillin'

A beautiful sunset

Breaks in the water, are they shoals of fish or choppy water on rocks?

Adjectives

Generous

Kind-hearted

Open

Connected

Clever

Smart

Keen

Winning

Gorgeous

Fun

Occasionally batshit (insane)

Restoring balance

Instant coffee

Iron Chef

A strong, kind friend to talk to, even if it's not in person

A stinky, friendly, furry face looking back in concern even if it's a canine person

Sherlock

Reiki

Flatbread

Pho tai

The freedom to plan an escape

Plans for the future

Realising I have done nothing wrong and tentatively taking tiny steps to live life

Was thinking of me

A night at the musical theatre. Rocky Horror done so well.

Realising that my story is not all my fault. Feeling happy to be alive. Feeling proud that you didn't die and that I didn't leave until I knew you wouldn't. Feeling okay with the fact that someone has done me wrong, and that I did no wrong, and that I don't hate.

The stars are watching.

The car window rolled down, letting in the dark night and the breeze into my hair and my brain. A spring in my step, and a zip in my car.

I remember when I was in Year 12, and I wrote a list of "Things To Do" in the back of my diary. I've ticked every one off the list. I told this to a workmate whom I'd just met. He was so excited that he gave me a high five. That's finally sunk in, and I now feel that for myself too.



A black and white dog launching herself at you from the dark, and uncontrollably wagging her tail.

The Panics and recurring themes.

Feeling strong, and good, and fine. Glad to be who I am.

Happy things and memories

Dancing ya guts out to De La Soul at Belvoir under the random sky and occasional trees

Cranes

The light catching an eye just so

The Internet

The love and support of supportive loved ones

The warmth beneath the surface 

Dog whiskers

Happy laughter

There's more but I'm sleepy now, thankfully

My dog just farted

It's half midnight, I am working on my work that I'm supposed to get done in my new 9-5 (8-4) job. Earlier this evening, Lucy did such a big fart that we both had to evacuate the study area. That's a big one if the dog is grossed out by her own fart.

It forced me to stand up, have a break and have a glass of water. I had prune hands from dehydration.

I suppose I should be grateful today for flatulent canines.

Let's make this moment (of gratitude) last

Dancing around the house to Moloko, I suddenly felt very well. I am singing again.

Gratefulness has happened in bursts and moments these last few days:

Sensible colleagues to share bemuddlement and confusion with, most grateful

Dry humour from surgical colleague, hilarity gratitude...
Dry - "What's everyone up to tonight (Vday)?"
Me - "Dunno. Might watch Kung Fu Panda and eat instant noodles."
Dry - "So, high yield then?"
Much laughter.

Learning, learning, learning. Frameworks. Inspiration. Understanding. The keen desire to turn this motivation into momentum.

Retail therapy.

Amazingly open moments with strangers. Shared smiles. Human beings.

Dog's ears half up, tips flipping up and down with each bounce of the trot.

Bamboo pyjamas. So smooth!

A funny thought. Named after the moon. Well, the halo of light around the moon. Moonlight goodvibes, basically. Hence, the epiphany, not to worry, I'm not all dark and nocturnal. In fact,

I'M MADE OF SUNSHINE!

Archival footage and live music. What it means to be me, and us. Best friend time. Pine trees, deck chairs, fairy lights, moths in the cinema projector light.

True talent, and hilariousness. So impressed, and uplifted, with a friend who probably needs the same. Feeling grown up and knowingly childish all at once.

Earnest doorman wants to see my ID. Ha!

Silent disco OMG so much fun have to say it again - sweat, bounce, singalong, smiles, smiles, smiles. Enormous.

Fringe world. Bringing my kind of people out of the fringe and into the light.

Finding more things to explore, like Neil Gaiman's blog. Sigh. Embrace and brace for the impending procrastination power.

Telling the truth.

Trying my best.

Crying at rest.

Knowing ultimately that nothing can break me, nothing can take me down.

I hope I can sleep soon. I think I've earned it. Feeling stronger.



There's more to you
than meets the eye.

Dancing

Silent disco
Bohemian Rhapsody
Jump Around
Rebel Rebel
Loveshack
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

It's not what you think, it's what you do

Grateful that I am doing what I set out to do.
Grateful that in a room full of fear I can speak out and protect those who cannot do it themselves, despite others in the room being far more powerful in rank than myself.

I'm back.
For real.

Real achievements

Grateful for Matthew Mitcham's beautiful show "Twists and Turns" and the concept that whilst you can't really get a gold medal at Mental Health, but you can still win it. I will keep on trying to achieve the highest pinnacle that I can for myself. Plus marry it to my achievements in other domains. Proud of myself but still infinite improvement achievable ahead.
Friendships
Battles won
Soldiering on
Grateful indeed.

Leave a path of stardust, it will light the way for others (even if you can't see it behind you).

Even if you are in a dark place, don't forget, you are a ray of sunshine in this funny world, you may be lighting the way for others and they would be lost if you were snuffed out. Sending out love, across the universe. Even if you feel absent, your presence is noted. And it is a valuable gift. Thank you.



That's what unicorns do.

Sky blue toenails

Being human.
Seeing a glimmer of hope on the path ahead.
I hope it is a firefly.

Things you can rely on

A cup of tea made by a friend

The pink fairy floss sky at sunset over Perth, reflected in the Swan

The black swans being tough, but also fluffing up their tutu feathers and spreading their breathtakingly elegant wings to remind you that strength and beauty are not mutually exclusive

The canine enthusiasm of a kelpie cross

The love of your family, expressed in a table full of food to share and a shoulder to cry on, no matter how snotty it gets

Reflecting on how much you have learnt yet still being able to learn even more new things

These are the things you can rely on, and be grateful for

New

First day at a new job, loving the things I bring

Grateful for the precison of the thin, new moon

the sun setting over the Indian Ocean
the kickback of the boxing pads of a good friend
and a tiny young man watching on, enthralled, and finding his own arms, and feet
the shaky hands and arms that come from full use
the sand and the waves on my feet
the brightest star I have ever seen
the inspiration of the world and b-boys
the knowledge that we are all in this together and most of us are trying to help and some of us are very good

we will find each other, one of these days.

I can't sleep, but it's a small price to pay

You are a liar and a coward.
I am real and I am brave.

You have hurt me and I will always wear this pain.
I am grateful that I can face up to myself each morning, how do you live with yourself?
Alone.

Go for it!

Fake it til you make it
You just might end up with something that's
even better than the real thing



As I said before, ENTHUSIASM!
AND JOY!!!

Mad skills

Grateful today for employment, a roof over my head, the skillset to continue to earn money to live and not having to rely on someone else financially. Having the freedom to travel. Enjoying the work that I am being given. Grateful for change even though I am apprehensive. It is an honour to have to step up. The only way is up.

Yesterday... all my troubles

made me feel very tired and upset. I allowed myself some meditative sitting still and contemplating the absurd time, watching the Mighty Boosh Future Sailors show on youtube on my nice new AppleTV on my very large television.

I am glad I can see the fun in complete and utter nonsense and also its relevance in numerous situations. Laughter therapy.

Grateful that I still managed to drag my body out of the house to see the physio; have a final last minute catch up with a dear friend who is moving away for 6 months and will be sorely missed; and to work drinks. Moving is important, as is the occasional vegetative state. Today is cleaning day. I will see how it goes.

Today I am grateful for writing a list, The Cat Empire, Tom Jones, mangoes, Nandos, sound advice, blocking on Facebook, deleting of numbers and attempting to move on out of pain. Stinky garbage be gone!

Gung Hei Fat Choi - Chinese New Year of the Horse

31st of January - I had another tough day.

Grateful for Pilates and my amazing Physio
Grateful for household chores and the normality they can bring even if you can't get them all done
Grateful for a shoulder to cry on and a caring ear to listen to me during their busy day
Grateful for the spotty socked dog and the places we go together
Grateful for Chinese New Year family traditions, banquets and lion dances and the childhood nostalgia and giddy joy they bring
Grateful for Fringe World filling up Northbridge with more of my people, enjoying The Pleasure Garden, enjoying talented free clowning under the stars with people I like
Grateful for being old and wise but young at heart
Grateful for dancing to all kinds of music and getting excited and remembering past events and raves
- once someone said to me as I was dancing on a table with a friend who is an actual dancer: "you should be a dancer, for real" - it's a moment in time to appreciate that enthusiasm is sometimes all you need. Experience is a plus.



I will approach this year with enthusiasm, and joy

It was my birthday today

..well technically yesterday by 36 minutes. The day stirred up some sadness for me as a lot of monumental things have happened over the past year (or two or three) since my 30th.

I am grateful for the memories of that day, with 60 of my closest friends in my local which seats 48. Fresh Italian food, wine from four corners of the globe, sunshine, happiness, laughter and love. I am waiting, hibernating until another birthday so joyful comes along.

In the meantime, through a very tough day, today I am grateful for birthday wishes in text, calls, singing voicemails and online. Small bursts of being remembered and cherished during the day. 

In an otherwise bleak day:

The smiles of friends

Burlesque, drag queens, cabaret

Chinese New Year lions

The city engulfed by the fringe

Apple TV - a present to myself

Kung Fu Panda 2 and 2 minute noodles

A beautiful blogpost from a beautiful person

My little black and white dog for keeping me sane and keeping the cat's claws away

Knowing how much love I have to give

It's all good

Grateful that I am not ruled by fear -

my heart will never be closed

and my life will never be tiny.

Contrast

I am grateful that at times I can feel lonely. It's so quiet I can hear the hum of the insides of the fibres of my body, as I sit here. Waiting.

I am grateful that at times I can feel part of the collective. That in this darkened space, pupils dilated, lights up blaring, music resonating and dancers' bodies emanating emotion, my pulse can resonate with the power of the human body as a whole.

I can feel each part of me in strength and weakness at rest, at pilates, in the audience, as participant. The emotions that this disturbs and brings to the surface are just enough to handle.


Also today I have a deep appreciation for:
clean dog fur and stinky breath
hot sun, cool breeze
friends, as always, often so different from one another but united in our mutual love
the insult "trollop" and knowing how not to be one
barramundi - crispy skin, firm/soft flesh
pomegranates and Persephone
sadness in uplifting singing
I could never belong to you

The cool change

It was lovely to wake up to a cool breeze and an overcast sky, a nice break in the hot weather.

Grateful for the relaxation of washing up after a lovely party, unexpected revelations, dreams in nanna naps, my four footed companion, walking the walk & talking the talk with a very good person, who may also be a griffin, phone conversations with bonus tutorials, phone conversations which may lead to visitors, my sister, my brothers, my parents, a full belly, a birthday gift and feeling sleepy at the end of a good day.

So grateful that I haven't had time to type

Today - grateful for impromptu dim sum, bear hugs at work, hearing good news, getting positive feedback, my role as a healer

Yesterday - grateful for friends, dancing, flattery, gaffer tape-mirrorball-LED Lenser ceiling rigs, eskies and foodsperiment success; my role as resuscitationist; my good nature in a shitty place; my ability to see how far I've come

Day before - grateful for being able to shop for pretty and useful things, sister time, fairy lights and nostalgic iTunes playlist building

Night before - grateful for feeling pretty in a pretty place with lovely people, and chips

Believe in yourself, you sexy beast

More good things than bad things

Last night I was grateful for art, found and saved 

and my eye and my weight. 

I will love this space I inhabit, until it loves me back. 

Today I am grateful for warmth, for the warmth between friends and the sun on my legs and the light of a smile. The weight and the warmth of a stinky kelpie cross helping you to have a nap. I appreciate the encouragement from those that I love and admire to find more positives in life and over time. Thank you.

Hot hot hot

Today I am grateful for:

medical simulation drills and constantly learning
singing in the car full tilt to Santogold and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
the Australian Open
Muppets bloopers (real muppets not medical simulation muppet factors)
hot pink toenails (now with sparkles) and seagreen fingernails
homegrown zucchini, thyme and lemon cous cous
a roof over my head
being kind to myself because I am so very tired, but I've done so well to get to here

An abundance of emotions. Mostly gratitude.

So grateful today for abundance.
Harvest.
Choice.
Decisions.
Abundant reserves.

Regaining your composure in a timely fashion.

The cool breeze comes off the ocean.

I am grateful for generosity of spirit, and goodness of soul, even if it is vulnerable to those who are unable to understand or match it causing disappointment or taking advantage of it.

The thing about summer, is even if it is scorching, and 40 degrees, you appreciate the coolness of your drink, the power of the sea breeze and the beauty of the shade, which cannot exist without the pain of the bright, burning light.

There can be no appreciation of a concept or any thing without contrast. Two sides of the same coin. I know where I belong and I am grateful.

Lyrical silver lining

"Don't listen to albums after a break up, they will just be tainted with your sorrow"


Discovering new music, re-discovering old friends on the radio and random youtube playlists. New songs, covering old ground, old songs, covering new.


oh, we said our dreams will carry us
and if they don't fly, we will run

It's going to be a new day tomorrow, every day

The sun sets in the west. Every single day. Some days you are lucky and you get a beautiful mellow pale pink gold blended haze across the sky. Perth sunsets. Makes you do a little squee and feel so enveloped in light. The promise of a new start and a clear and blank blue canvas every day.

Vintage tea sets.
Listening to a friend.
Following your own advice.
Shared experience.
Balanced flavours.
Noble canines.
Bright red fruit.
Finding inspiration and humility in the same place.
These are the things that make today, and make it worth waiting for the next day, and the next day after that.

This is for the 17th, but I only got home from work.

Today, I am grateful for the action that comes with anger, and the hope that I can finally move on.

Prosciutto is helpful. In fact anything with lots of salt. Maybe I have cried too much.

Pinot grigio

I am trying so hard to remind myself. Patience. It's bigger than the universe. Anger. It sometimes threatens to engulf it all, but I can take it. You lied to yourself, and I was collateral damage. Today I am grateful that I am real, and know the truth. Even if that means that the ones who purport to love me cannot stand by me, or keep up with me. Better that than to live a tiny lie. I hate it that they were right. They can't love me enough. I deserve someone who can. I am angry that other people are being told half truths to make yourself feel better, but I cannot control anything other than myself, and be grateful that I am not cut off from my emotions, even the unpleasant or difficult ones.

I will wiggle my toes into the earth where I stand, and enjoy the feeling of the dirt on the earth that grounds me. I am loved in so very many ways. I am connected across the planet to the whole.

Real people

Today I am grateful for the people who have kept me alive. Supported me, fed me when I could not, been there in the utter confusion, come to my rescue when I was in distress. I am also grateful that I have been in the position to do the same for many others, and sometimes in return for one another. Take care of yourself, and others. It is such an important thing to know that someone cares, no matter how tiny or massive their actions are to show you that you belong here.

Very tired. So very tired.

Deep conversation
Meeting new people
Pink
Blue
Red
Black
Dog smell
Perfume
Dreams
Solid messages from my brain
Hope for me and those I heal
Sparkles
Bubbles
Stickers
Jokes
Mad
Relaxed
At ease
Sorrow
Stretches

These are the things I am grateful for today

Lots of little things

Still feeling exhausted and hurt.

Feeling like you want to talk to somebody before you go to work but you don't know where to start or if you have any words left to say.
A dear friend calls you as you are looking at your phone through tears and genuinely asks "how are you?", and listens patiently whilst you tell them.

The door you have walked through a thousand times before into work and suddenly you feel the urge to look up and you see two plump and happy robins, choosing a spot to build a nest.

A work call that is basically a string of complaints about all and sundry and how things have gone wrong from start to finish... "except that lady we saw when we first came in, she was actually very good."
"Thursday you say? Did she have pink hair?"
"Yes, she was awesome!"
It was me. Gold star for me.

24 hour Independent Growers' Association. The smell of the summer fruit hits you like a wall of sound as you walk in just after midnight.
You make a beeline for the donut peaches and inhale one the very second you get home.

The dog "helping" you unpack the groceries, by stalking a mouse all through the long grass out the front, leaping and pouncing just like she is an Arctic Fox. The perplexed look on her face when she keeps resurfacing, empty-snouted.

All these little things in my life. I notice them, and I know that is special.

I have been struggling today

but I am grateful for the challenge. I am glad I am able to move through it. I am neither feeble nor frail. Which is a great honour, and a privilege too good to be wasted.

Also, being brought to an awesome bbq by a bestie to eat eat eat is good. Steak me!

Hooves, and paws

Tonight I witnessed the beauty of the bond between horse and human, and the presence of a spirit in both forms. I had forgotten, but as a child I did horseriding - not just horseriding, I used to do jumps. That feeling of flying, and being attuned to something far more noble and powerful than your own small self was such a privilege.

My canine companion was in fine form today too, meeting lots of new people and being exactly as she needed to be for each of those new friends.

Today I am grateful for my connection with the animal spirit and the peace and the power that comes from this understanding.

As The Cat Empire says, "I'll show you some rhythm".

Today I am grateful for the rhythm and the movement in my body. Especially my shoulders. Songs you can dance to. Beats you can bop to. Samba, salsa, rumba, Vedder, Gaga, Zumba, Aguilera. Booty shaking, earth quaking, block rocking beats. You may not always be able to sing to them. Sometimes you get lucky and get both.



Also, did I mention girl drummers? I would one day like to be a girl drummer. It's on the list.

There's something about Perth's rtr fm that makes it great to be alive, and going somewhere in the car at random. Plus suggestions from your sister for a party playlist that include hip hop, ABBA, It's raining men and more that make everything in the world seem right.

Today I am grateful for my heart being inside of me

I am so glad I can feel pain, anger, sadness and hurt. It is my heart inside of me that also allows me great depths and heights of love. To be a hollow shell or disconnected from the very core of your being is far too distressing to consider. My heart is where it belongs, in my middle, boiling over with anger today but perhaps that is what it needs to be purged and clean again. I will sit with it, and enjoy my emotional abilities.

Also, smoked tuna in a tin and capers in a jar and tagliatelle in a packet are a good thing after work. So are the herbs on my windowsill and the lemons on my tree.

Invitations to socialise are also most welcome and picking me up off the floor.

Life is laughter

Today, on my return to do a shift at an old workplace, I realised how much I love laughter. My laugh comes from my belly, or somewhere deep behind it. It has been so loud that once I was recognised from the other side of a full speaker stack at an outdoor rock concert. I didn't laugh enough the last few months, which now in hindsight is a very important sign. Now, even in the car with the radio on, at work, with people I have just met, on the phone, watching Ross Noble on the telly... I can laugh again. The fire in my belly is back to full strength. I'm glad that I can share a genuine, full, belly laugh, a deep connection with my fellow human beings, lasting long after the sound has left the air.

Cooking

Today I am grateful for cooking, the love that I have for food and creating with it. I was crying today over many things old and new, but through the tears I forced myself to cook. To get back into doing what I love and be who I am. There is room for improvement but the creativity is there.

Oh yes, and truedreams. I forgot to mention truedreams. The brain knows things, locked away, that are true and releases a kernel at a time in my dreams. Grateful I am one of those.

Pootling around a shopping mall

Gaining a deeper understanding of someone you have known your whole life, but you have not remembered well. Finding the truth between the two.

Resonance

Today, after seeing Cai Guo-Qiang's exhibition 'Falling Back to Earth', I am grateful for art. Art on the grand scale of a powerful visual installation (or three), art in the natural and built environment surrounding us, and art in the very nature of every single human being that some of us are lucky enough retain after childhood drawings and imaginings are suppressed by the weight of the everyday. 

I feel fortunate that the work of such a visionary artist, laden with meaning on a grand and global scale, has so much resonance within me, touching deep within the tiny injuries of my heart. 

Once again I thank the universe for sending me signs that everything is going to be more than okay. Awesome, in fact.

Grateful for everything

Today, as I sit next to one of the most fascinating and multifaceted women I've ever known, I am grateful for everything. The many things that I am capable of doing, having available to me and enjoying to the max. Today was one of the biggest and bestest days I have had in a very long time. Being connected and earthed in my own two feet. Doing blokey, girly and generally fun things (pampered into a sparkly bronze pedicure in thongs; then change to sneakers for an orientation to shotguns and a trap shooting session; change back to newly purchased gold heels for dinner and a fun night at the theatre. Women are so lucky these days. I am so glad I get to have all the fun, of every kind!

Oh yes, and being fortunate to live in a country with fresh and juicy cherries; and an abundance of amazing fresh seafood. So lucky!

David Attenborough

Today, at cruising altitude, I had the seatback iPad to try out. That sentence in itself is amazing, and makes me grateful for human technology and how fortunate I am to be able to fly fly away (both physically and/or televisually) at the drop of a hat or a heart.

As I watched the 60y David Attenborough special, I was amazed by all the beauty of the natural world, which we are able to see and capture thanks to him and his dedicated team, and all the advances in camera technology that have been worked on over the years. To see a pride of lions take down an elephant in the pitch black of night thanks to infrared, a kestrel's wings imperceptibly moving thanks to high speed and a snow leopard family thanks to people who are willing to wait for 8 months or more in the mountains at a time... it is a privilege and an honour to be let in on nature's secrets from the seat of your chair, and I am so so grateful for this world in all its beauty as I make my way through to find my place in it. Thank you for inspiring me to love nature with all the wonderment and inquisitive learning that humans are so lucky to have, and act upon.

Also tonight, I appreciate all the people in this world who truly love and care for me. Friends as thick as blood. Precious, and a high priority in the here and now, whichever coast you may be on. I hope you all know who you are.

Yesterday is still today

Today (yesterday) I am grateful for the camaraderie amongst colleagues that comes from working alongside some the most awesome people in the world. If you don't laugh, you cry. Venting prevents explosion. All emergency services workers seem to know this and there is an instantaneous closeness that comes from working in the pointy end of life in all its glory, and gory. Thank you for sharing all your tips, tricks and wisdom with me - not just for the job but for life as well. The collective consciousness of some very smart cookies is right there and being shared freely between us.

Privileged to be a part of it. Working with my people. Until all hours of the morning.

(I would sing you the song of my people, but it would have too many swear words in it)

The candle of thought

Sitting on a beach after midnight, a stranger plays the guitar and the first word grabs you by the limbic system. The song you used to sing in retrospect, wise beyond your 14 years, every night locked in your room, from a CD that cool guy at school gave you (and if only you were 'in' like him, he could have been your friend). You've been rehearsing for this your whole life. The candle of thought lights up your face. You suddenly remember, yes, before this I was in a band. For two seconds, I was the lead singer in a band, and I forgot. That was seventeen years ago, and the memory of gigs at golf clubs and school halls faded away, through that thick oppressive fog that's been like cobwebs all around you. The Indian Ocean embraces your legs and the Fremantle Doctor caresses you as it whips around you cleanly, blowing everything away. The white sand of the Western Australian shore beneath you, the Southern Cross above you, and all those years behind you. You are held in place so now you are free. An amazing individual in an ordinary lifeline and an extraordinary world. The song returns into your life, and you are finally yourself again, it's a new feeling, a new year. You sing, and you know all the words, and now you know what they mean. A duet with a stranger on the beach amongst friends, some that you have met and some that you will never know.

Today I am grateful for my voice, and all the years of music inside of me that is now resonating with the earth and the people that surround me. I am grateful for the depth of my memories, they can ring out clear as song, as all this fog is lifting. Love to all for a beautiful year. Be grateful, be alive.